Compiled by @marseniuk
@TFLN (309) I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgment and disgust.
@MooseDiesel81 So I heard Tito beat Jenna n then said she has an addiction to oxy? What’s that gotta do with a man hitting a girl? No respect for that dude.
@criss_angel Getting a manicure, then it’s off to work. My hands are the second most important part of me, next to my awesome flat-ironed hair.
@billmaher Every asshole who ever chanted ‘drill baby drill’ should have to report to the Gulf Coast today for clean-up duty.
@funnykeithlyle I hope Sandra Bullock got a real black kid. Not one of those Haitian knock-offs.
@jesus The chicken came first. Duh.
@MikeDobranski And here I sit once again. Alone and on Twitter as Kerry snores away on the couch. #marriedlife.
@bethlano WICKED wind in Las Vegas. Gusts have blown a completely new set of furniture into my yard, and I think I found Jimmy Hoffa in my pool.
@lauracroft83 Just stepped over a drunk man in the hallway. God I love Vegas.
@ConanOBrien I came in second to Lady Gaga in the artist’s category of the Time 100. Once again, I’m penalized for not wearing a bra that shoots fire.