Compiled by @marseniuk
@robdelaney Every time you fart as you’re walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.
@JimGaffigan The recession is over? Does that mean I get to keep the rest of my hair?
@LasVegasLisa Can anyone find me enough bubble wrap to completely cover me? Seriously, I am prone to accidents and could use it!
@kingBrian702 So, apparently I had a party at my house! N I was not invited, how is that?! LOL Woke up to a kitchen full of beers n a Grey Goose bottle!
@Mr_Reznor Only thing Bieber can hold claim to is being this generation’s Hanson. Except “Mmmm Bop” made me feel less physically ill than his SHIT.
@hannahsatana I think we should start a revolution and throw all the members of the Tea Party into Boston Harbor.
@PeterGriffinn Good friends do not let you do stupid things … alone.
@Oscarmolina Dude, the DMV knows how to party! They are serving E, G & H at all the counter here!!!!
@MissKellyO Why do people think it’s an insult to say, “You’re only famous because of who you parents are!?” No shit, that’s a fact, not an insult!!!!!