Tweets of the Week

Tweets of the Week

Compiled by @marseniuk

@tanyapetrillo Cooking breakfast in my underwear for the boy, until I got to the bacon…ouch.

@misadventurer I guess hipsters are going to start going to #Vdara. For the irony, hotel starts with VD and causes a burning sensation.

@DougCoupland Gas station sandwich for lunch. If I’m found dead in a puddle of my own vomit in six hours, that’s why.

@jeanniegaffigan Can we table the whole “unisex bathroom” idea until men learn how to properly use a bathroom?

@PaulyPeligroso On my days off, I like to go to Chuck E. Cheese and yell “FREE BIRD!” at Make Believe Band. They’ll play it one day…

@cthagod 42% of black women have never been and will never be married. Just wanted to add to your depression.

@laurenmares I’ve been proposed to 3x in one week…I’m on a roll!

@bofran I miss having a sugar mommy! Anybody out there? I have nothing to offer, though…

@Cseardlmp Pretty sure I ate my daily calorie intake w/ that Taco Del Mar… But it was worth it. #gymtonightfosho

@SexCigarsBooze I knew a guy once who gave up sex, cigars, booze & rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

@Phamarama I’m the chick your mother warned you about & the girl your father prefers. Mom vs. dad: Choose wisely.

@SaraHennessey I just saw the most anorexic girl I’ve ever seen, so I immediately bought a Snickers and ate the entire thing for her.

@tiffanyrinehart A homeless man just asked me for $10 to buy marijuana. At least he was honest.

@ujinn I love Fry’s Electronics. It’s like Toys ‘R Us for adults.