It’s Splitsville for Donny and Chip

The courtroom antics of Sam Waterston aside, the actual duties of being a lawyer seem about as exciting as collecting vintage nail clippers. That is until you get a juicy breach-of-contract lawsuit that lets you get all Shakespearean tragedy up in this law game.

Donny and Marie Osmond ended their relationship with producer Chip Lightman in mid-September. He countered with a lawsuit filed in Clark County District Court on Oct. 1, wherein Lightman says he was forced out with two years to go on his deal, essentially, because Donny Osmond was strapped for cash.

The lawsuit is peppered with phrases like “reckless disregard for the truth,” “oppression, fraud and malice,” “Donny’s devious plot,” “Donny held the Donny & Marie show hostage” and “Donny had devised a plot to defraud the William Morris Agency.”

The money shot, though, comes in the suit’s assessment of the famous siblings’ character. “Contrary to the wholesome, all-American, good-natured image that he presents to the public, defendant Donny’s conduct, at least as it relates to Lightman and Chip Lightman Entertainment (CLE), has been anything but. He has conducted himself in a manner that is underhanded, devious, fraudulent and greedy. The clear goal of his actions has been to line his own pockets with ill-gotten gains to fund his lavish lifestyle of exotic cars, luxury hotel suites and private jets—all off the backs and hard work of those who worked tirelessly to support his career, including Lightman and CLE.

“Despite Marie’s seemingly innocent nature, she too is liable for the fraud perpetrated by Donny through her acquiescence, awareness and utter failure to disclose to CLE the steps taken by Donny to deceive CLE and circumvent their contractual obligations.”

Ill-gotten gains! Nobody’s actually pocketed ill-gotten gains since Old West railroad barons hired shady characters to chase widows off their land. When these lawyers get to court, they’re going to check their pocket watches and take off their stovepipe hats before they start their arguments.