Tweets of the Week

Compiled by @marseniuk

@Kimi_Kobayashi If I worked in McDonald’s I would say “we’ve been expecting you” in a mysterious voice to every fat customer.

@YUCKYBOT Greatest album of all time? That’s easy. My baby album. My bathing in the sink photos are epic.

@vincent_gallo Yeah, @kanyewest. It fucking sucks how people keep holding you accountable for the shit that comes out of your stupid mouth. You gonna cry?

@ChrissyTeigen Watching YouTubes of worst Family Feud answers ever. “Month in which a woman starts to show during pregnancy?” “September.”

@TheAngryOracle #AManShouldNot pay a woman cash directly for sex. It is best to launder the sex via some conventional method … such as marriage.

@WeismanJake You haven’t known fear until you are slightly OCD and accidentally tear off the November page on your kitten desk calendar too early.

@VerifyThis High school reunion tonight. Is it too late to start using sunscreen to fight sun’s damaging effects?

@JayDunkirk I’ll bet I’ve won at least a million dollars from soda caps that I never looked at or didn’t understand.

@CollinKartchner No one has a higher false sense of importance than the Costco receipt checker lady.

@SkylarSuspence Every time I see one of those “Prepare to Meet Thy God!” signs on the side of the highway, I can’t help but read it as a death threat.

@DangerGuerrero New rule: No one gets to have a baby until I look through their Facebook/Twitter & sign off on it.

@KayM77 Five days of almost no food plus little exercise equals 4 lb weight gain. The active ingredient of cough mixture is clearly lard.