@Kimi_Kobayashi If I worked in McDonald’s I would say “we’ve been expecting you” in a mysterious voice to every fat customer.
@YUCKYBOT Greatest album of all time? That’s easy. My baby album. My bathing in the sink photos are epic.
@ChrissyTeigen Watching YouTubes of worst Family Feud answers ever. “Month in which a woman starts to show during pregnancy?” “September.”
@WeismanJake You haven’t known fear until you are slightly OCD and accidentally tear off the November page on your kitten desk calendar too early.
@VerifyThis High school reunion tonight. Is it too late to start using sunscreen to fight sun’s damaging effects?
@JayDunkirk I’ll bet I’ve won at least a million dollars from soda caps that I never looked at or didn’t understand.
@CollinKartchner No one has a higher false sense of importance than the Costco receipt checker lady.
@SkylarSuspence Every time I see one of those “Prepare to Meet Thy God!” signs on the side of the highway, I can’t help but read it as a death threat.
@DangerGuerrero New rule: No one gets to have a baby until I look through their Facebook/Twitter & sign off on it.
@KayM77 Five days of almost no food plus little exercise equals 4 lb weight gain. The active ingredient of cough mixture is clearly lard.