@JessieGibson Nothing wakes me up like the smell of Spring Mountain and Las Vegas Blvd.
@jasonmustian To help put our $13 trillion national debt in perspective, imagine you owed someone $1 for every version of “A Christmas Carol” ever made.
@adam_fogle Russia to host the World Cup in 2018, Qatar in 2022. Neither will be televised, as both countries have banned the 21st Century.
@bubblebathos Getting a John Mayer song stuck in your head is just God’s way of being passive aggressive.
@YellowHairdGirl Last night I baked a cake and wrapped presents. I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.
@joewengert Is there an app that will send notifications of your accomplishments to the parents of your ex-girlfriends?
@patsajak People ask if Wheel is fixed. I could go to prison for that! I’d never survive prison. I’m older, but still way too pretty!
@AnswerGenie As far as shows about soulless zombies destroying society go, I prefer The Hills.
@PhutureLaFait The biggest LIE told on Twitter has nothing to do with money, sex, or vacations. It’s “headed to the gym.”
@Smash32 Oh really NASA found Aliens? Not that impressive, I have 3 working on my backyard right now.
@Mattsomuch Typed “Wiki-leaks” into a Google search and it returned, “did you mean treason?” ummm… never mind.
@DangerGuerrero New rule: Katy Perry has to dress up like Jessica Rabbit every time she leaves the house. P-p-p-p-please!
@mandymckee Going for a tan. Time to get my Snooki on.