@DustinCParker I think this is the first year I actually wrote to Santa. I asked for an iPad.
@grayjon Oh Christmas beard oh Christmas beard, your getting long and burly. Oh Christmas beard oh Christmas beard, you are …
@JamesNapoli This week Sylvester Stallone was inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame. Bet Martin Sheen is excited about getting his presidential library.
@KFUCKINGP My last meal? I want to go out like I fucking came in. Breastfed.
@EsquireMinded I sat 50 rows behind Donald Trump at Miss USA, and his comb over STILL looked fake …
@DoryEx If Facebook profile pictures are any guide, this is apparently the year in which half of my friends turned into puppies or small children.
@JockinJB You know you live in Vegas when you see a wheelchair and think “drunk,” not “handicapped.”
@sacca I will pay crazy amounts of money for tickets to whatever show Miley Cyrus is playing on 4/20.
@unanything No…YOU spell the officer backwards, Mr. Alphabet.
@kh Free booze to anyone who can figure out why only half of the lights on our Christmas tree will light.
@JeremyTNell Bringing down WikiLeaks: unbelievable. Bringing down PayPal: epic. Bringing down Mastercard: priceless.
@gambit704 I might be doing relationships wrong. My first ex married a senior citizen and my second ex is now a lesbian.