@Jesus_M_Christ Scarlett Johansson is single again? Well happy early birthday to me!
@anura “If you want Wikileaks to shut down, ask Yahoo to buy it.”
@PhutureLaFait Growing up there was always a dude who u just knew was gay but he wasn’t “out.” Well, he’s on FB now and u were right about him.
@kdn13 What have the holidays done? Can’t stop thinking about Christmas trees, sequined dresses, and my future bridal registry. Still single, boys!
@jordanrubin My ancestors never had a family crest, because there’s no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.
@capricecrane Santa is “gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?” Who does he think he is, my gynecologist?
@getoffendedcom Convincing ur kids Santa @ the mall is real is pointless when he smells of vodka & hits on his elf every 5 min. I need to find a new mall.
@thevegasjunebug He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake? STALKER!
@xo_shallen New Years resolution: become a lesbian. I’m having no luck with guys it seems.
@SchwartzNpwr U know ur in trouble when u get smacked on the tush Xmas Eve and it doesn’t stop shaking till New Years!
@FNFGaryJ Don’t believe In New Years resolution. I’ll change when I want.