(ZomgScience.net) I don’t know science, but I’ve got profanity down pat. For example, I may not be able to properly explain how crystals are formed, but I can tell you how to [expletive] yourself in the [expletive] [expletive] until the United [expletive] Nations is forced to intervene. And that, savage reader, is why ZomgScience.net should be taught in schools: It takes super-science-nerd stuff, like motor proteins, enzymes and Dmitri Mendeleev and explains them all in a language that your teenaged offspring use every single day. “Christ on a stick it’s a RIBOSOME,” screams the site. “Look at all those proteins and RNA and fucking subunits all joining up and shit… You know what else does that? FUCKING VOLTRON.” ZomgScience is the work of Dave Romeo, a young and tattooed man of science out of Brisbane, Australia—and you would do well to remember that, because this is going to earn him a Nobel [expletive] Prize.
I ONLY WORK HERE
(NotAlwaysRight.com) When I worked retail back in the late ’80s/early ’90s, I fielded my share of ill-conceived customer queries. I forgot most of them, save for two phoned-in questions I’d get a dozen times a week. The most common was, “Are you open right now?” (“Yes, that’s why I’m here”), though occasionally someone would ask, “What’s the store’s phone number?” (“You mean the one you just called?” “Don’t be a wiseass.”) My retail experiences form the backbone of some of my more whimsical nightmares, but even the worst of those pale against the best of the customer/clerk interactions detailed at Not Always Right. This is the customer at his most boorish and er, challenged—plugging live mice into USB ports; blurting out their bra size in response to “What’s your phone number?”; and struggling to understand the alphabet. Even if many of these stories have unreliable narrators (which is inevitable when you invite people to post anonymously), I choose to believe them all. Like I said, I was there, dealing with your crap. And I didn’t even have a website to cry on.
ONE TWO EFF YOU
(Twitter.com/Discographies) Last month, Village Voice writer Rob Tannenbaum named the anonymous Twitter feed @Discographies the best music critic of 2010. I can’t speak to his choice—I barely read music criticism any more. But I can say that Discographies’ 140-character summations of entire careers, counted down by album number, are funny as hell, and they even manage to sound a few truthful notes in their haste. Here’s my favorite: “Green Day: 1-2 ‘Retro-punk 4ever, dude! We’ll never sell out or slow down or write rock operas!’ 3 Sell out. 4-6 Slowdown. 7-8 Rock operas.”