@capricecrane If you’re talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows exactly where you are.
@VegasWaitress It was slow in the casino tonight, I saw a hooker pay her pimp from the ATM machine.
@TrainedHedonist I could pay to see Bristol Palin speak. I could also pay Mario Batali to strip down to a thong and sing “Strangers in the Night.”
@WhitneyCummings The Bachelor should just be called “dumb whores in Bebe dresses who had shitty dads and a guy who should never be a dad.”
@georgelopez My biggest problem with Taco Bell is not that they claim to sell beef, it’s that they claim to sell Mexican food.
@YesReallyAngel Egypt will now just be referred to as Gypt.
@jimmykimmel I realize that I am ignorant when it comes to this sort of thing, but isn’t conducting an orchestra basically air guitar for rich people?
@LowCRSVR My employee just pulled out her TASER in the store to make sure it’s off. New policy is phones and TASERs have to be off before your shift.
@jbarcelon I wasn’t ready for the first night, but Vegas wasn’t ready for me the second night.
@CraigDangerS You know what I like about strippers? They like me for me.