Tweets of the Week

Compiled by @marseniuk

@capricecrane If you’re talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows exactly where you are.

@VegasWaitress It was slow in the casino tonight, I saw a hooker pay her pimp from the ATM machine.

@TrainedHedonist I could pay to see Bristol Palin speak. I could also pay Mario Batali to strip down to a thong and sing “Strangers in the Night.”

@WhitneyCummings The Bachelor should just be called “dumb whores in Bebe dresses who had shitty dads and a guy who should never be a dad.”

@georgelopez My biggest problem with Taco Bell is not that they claim to sell beef, it’s that they claim to sell Mexican food.

@YesReallyAngel Egypt will now just be referred to as Gypt.

@jimmykimmel I realize that I am ignorant when it comes to this sort of thing, but isn’t conducting an orchestra basically air guitar for rich people?

@LowCRSVR My employee just pulled out her TASER in the store to make sure it’s off. New policy is phones and TASERs have to be off before your shift.

@Anon_VV Everything is fine love. the Egypt government #jan25 #Egypt #censorship.

@WilliamNV If Kim Kardawhateverhernameis has 6 million followers, then @PokerVixen should have 9 million.

@jbarcelon I wasn’t ready for the first night, but Vegas wasn’t ready for me the second night.

@CraigDangerS You know what I like about strippers? They like me for me.

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Being the love interest of one of the world’s most famous men thrust Priscilla Presley into the spotlight as a teenager. While her marriage to Elvis Presley lasted only five years, it left her with a daughter, Lisa Marie, and the opportunity to pursue a career in the entertainment industry. She appeared in Dallas, starred in the Naked Gun films and wrote a best-selling biography Elvis and Me. In 1982 she founded Elvis Presley Industries to guide and protect the legacy of her late husband, and served as chairman of the board until 1998.