Charlie Sheen is scheduled to host at Chateau on April 30. As such, you’re probably in a state of mounting panic, wondering what this means for you. Here are some tips to survive this encroaching Sheen-tastrophe:
• Stock up on the essentials: Be proactive. Get in early and buy canned goods, bottled water, batteries and a hand-crank radio.
• Stock up on the other essentials: We recommend a full hazmat suit, but if that isn’t practical, try to acquire a wetsuit, fireman’s turnout gear or one of the full-body condoms from The Naked Gun.
• Hide your cocaine and sex toys. Also, stand very still when he walks by. Sheen depends on movement to sense your presence and, barring that, smelling high-quality yayo on your person.
• Finally, if at all possible, try not to have a vagina. Goddess Bree Olson just left Sheen, which means he’s going to be angry and looking to drag away a new warlock bride, willing or not.