And now, a public service announcement

Charlie Sheen is scheduled to host at Chateau on April 30. As such, you’re probably in a state of mounting panic, wondering what this means for you. Here are some tips to survive this encroaching Sheen-tastrophe:

 Stock up on the essentials: Be proactive. Get in early and buy canned goods, bottled water, batteries and a hand-crank radio.

 Stock up on the other essentials: We recommend a full hazmat suit, but if that isn’t practical, try to acquire a wetsuit, fireman’s turnout gear or one of the full-body condoms from The Naked Gun.

 Hide your cocaine and sex toys. Also, stand very still when he walks by. Sheen depends on movement to sense your presence and, barring that, smelling high-quality yayo on your person.

 Finally, if at all possible, try not to have a vagina. Goddess Bree Olson just left Sheen, which means he’s going to be angry and looking to drag away a new warlock bride, willing or not.

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