Zookeeper

(PG) ★☆☆☆☆

Kevin James, America’s go-to schlub now that Jack Black has been reduced to peeing on Lilliputians, stars in this unfunny comedy about anthropomorphized zoo animals that coach their caretaker into winning back the affections of his vapid ex-girlfriend. Rosario Dawson costars as the platonic friend that he will obviously end up with. Nick Nolte voices a depressed, T.G.I. Friday’s-loving gorilla. Yes, really.

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Do you long for those golden days before the advent of CGI, when Dr. Dolittle spoke to his four-legged patients in their native tongues, Mr. Ed’s mouth moved courtesy of off-camera strings, and no one had yet considered having mammals ape (no pun intended) stereotypical ethnic accents? No? Well, you’ll be praying for their return by the end of Zookeeper, a stale goat pellet of a comedy in which the phenomenon of anthropomorphized animals is assumed to be so hilarious that it can carry an entire movie. Jesus, does no one remember Ed?

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