Soul Mates

Wedding bells ring when Las Vegas bachelorette parties meet reality TV

The Girl Scouts of America recently conducted a survey that shows tween and teen girls who regularly watch reality television are more likely to expect a higher level of drama, aggression and bullying in girl-on-girl friendships.

Hide your cookies, sisters.

The first episode of Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas debuted Oct. 17 on the Oxygen Network, featuring Palms senior vice president Jon Gray and former and current VIP hosts Jason “JRoc” Craig and Elliot Wronski—with all the bridezilla action you can handle without wanting to round up every engaged woman you can find and light them on fire.

To that end, here’s my running diary from the pilot episode. Or, as I like to call it, 2 $hort, 2 Furious:

0:00 –I know train-wreck television. I love train-wreck television. I’m frankly shocked that more train-wreck television isn’t filmed in Las Vegas. But I’m not sure my borderline Pavlovian rage for bachelorette parties can overcome my love of watching terrible people act terribly. Let’s see.

0:43 –Gray tells us that tonight’s episode will feature the Donald Trump of brides. Wait, I take it back. This has all sorts of potential.

1:07—Although the message at the top of the screener warns that the theme song, title credits, etc., are subject to change, if they ditch the “It’s a party in Vegas, we’re so outrageous” theme, I’ll never watch another episode of this show again as long as I live.

1:40 –Bride-to-be Brasie Patterson says her fiancé, Alex, treats her like she’s the greatest thing walking, because she is. Alex says nothing, but it’s hard to form words when you’ve been dead inside for the last eight months.

2:22 –Brasie has a sweatshirt that says “Hood Brat.” The first bridesmaid introduced is named “Turkoise.” The house is offering -900 that at least one weave gets ripped out by the end of this episode.

4:56 –One of the bridesmaids is Shawn. If the Westboro Baptist Church were asked to write a script featuring a gay man, Shirley Phelps-Roper would’ve shouted down Fred for writing Shawn as too cartoony.

6:16 –JRoc and Gray have a 64-step handshake to greet each other. Usually someone has to collect at least three RBIs to pull that off.

9:10 –Brasie is smitten with our team of hosts. She says someone is coming back from Vegas with a “Palms baby.” I guess if I were editing an episode, I’d make sure the subject of the show talked about how hot I was, too.

10:19 –Shawn, on the Hardwood Suite’s fold-down beds: “I’ve done my closet time, and I refuse to sleep in another one.” Shirley Phelps-Roper just angrily crumpled up the seventh draft and yelled at Fred to try it again.

14:54 –JRoc leads the girls out of Rojo to the Palms Place valet, and a Rolls Royce Phantom pulls up. Brasie has to choose two people to come with her. Maid of honor Shere is left out in the cold because she didn’t come to a bachelorette planning meeting days before. The house just bumped up weave odds to -1000.

17:37 –The girls arrive at Eve. Oooh, awkward.

19:28 – “F*** that meeting. F*** that meeting, and F*** her.” Weave odds are now officially off the board.

21:55 –Shere is apologetic. Oh, come on. I didn’t commit 45 minutes of my life to hear apologies.

30:23 –Linaya is making out with Brasie’s favorite rapper, Too $hort, who JRoc brought to Vegas, despite being on tour in New York. Brasie is irate. Shawn is falling-down drunk. If the claws don’t come out soon, I’m writing off whatever tiny shred of faith I had left in humanity.

32:30 –Braise thinks JRoc has a little bit of color in him, and she’s hoping it’s below the waist. Seriously, did he have to deliver a case of Patron to her room to get her to say that?

33:43 –Shawn just put a plastic bag of his own puke on the nightstand. As souvenirs go, at least it’s creative. Anything you’d get at the gift shop would just be tacky anyway.

39:02 –Soft guitar music is playing. Touching non-self-absorbed moment ahead. If I wanted gratitude and humility, I’d watch the Hallmark Channel.

39:32 –Linaya’s out of the wedding for sleeping with Too $hort. Because Braise didn’t. Even though she’s getting married. There’s that sweet, sweet batshit crazy I wanted. Come to papa.

41:09 –Oh no! Shawn’s out, too. Fred Phelps completely wasted his time.

43:44 –“My bachelorette party was a perfect, perfect weekend. Just like me.” Oh Brasie. You’re just the Brasiest. I’m gonna miss you. Lucky for me, I just have to wait about 18 months for Alex to come to his senses and go out one warm L.A. night for a pack of smokes and no, those aren’t clothes I was packing for anything, why do you ask? Those are just some things to, uh. Take to the Salvation Army. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in like … five minutes?

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