What Happens in the Suburbs

I am pleased to announce that Tony Hsieh and the owners of downtown’s Golden Gate have joined forces to buy my home.

The bottom floor will be transformed into a youth-oriented “block-party zone,” with a garage-style door (this is great, since I happen to have a garage door) that opens directly onto cocktail-and-concert seating on my suburban street, Luscious Creek Terrace. The Avett Brothers will perform a special midnight show this Saturday. I have informed the homeowners association about the show but have received no response. Tony says he’ll take care of it.

The second floor of my home, which is currently nonexistent, will be designed with an “old Vegas boudoir” theme, which my wife and I are very much looking forward to. There will be art-nouveau fixtures featuring carvings of lithe young women holding the moon in their cupped hands. All slots will be coin-operated. One of them will pay out in gumballs; this was our son’s request before we completed the deal.

“The Miller House presents us with another opportunity to lure the creative class to the Las Vegas Valley,” said Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman, deftly avoiding the fact that The Miller House is in Henderson.

Bank of America hailed our unique agreement as a “way forward” in the foreclosure crisis, and has removed the lien on my remaining possessions. Meanwhile, local business analysts are calling for similar arrangements across the Valley.

“Look,” said Jeremy Aguero of Applied Analysis, “if we want to diversify, we’re going to need to start transforming our residential neighborhoods. They are underutilized assets right now, but if they are properly branded and marketed, they can become major contributors to the new Experience Economy here in Vegas.”

“For years, we Nevadans have been talking about growing a manufacturing base,” said Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev. “But let’s face it, who needs more crap? What people need are experiences, and what better place to create them than in The Miller House?”

Taking a cue from Reid, Billy Vassiliadis of R&R Partners and Rossi Ralenkotter of the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority announced a new multiplatform media campaign featuring our home and the slogan, “This Is Where You Make It Happen.”

Hsieh told me to expect my house to be at full capacity by Dec. 26. At that time, my family will move to a climate-controlled tent in the backyard, adjacent to the small liberal arts college on the patio.

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By Jason Scavone