The Oxygen network can’t stay out of Las Vegas. Already on board with Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas, which debuted this fall, the network brings the eighth season of its Bad Girls Club to the place where bad girl-dom is just the opening bid.
BGC, to those of us in the know, takes seven broads with more issues than a comic book collection—described oh-so-charitably in the official literature as “young, bold, outrageous and endlessly entertaining,” but would have been in the pre-reality days merely “kind of bitchy”—and jams them in a house for three months. In the earlier seasons, there was a pretext to self-improvement, volunteerism and becoming good role models.
But judging by the Episode 1 screener, all that’s forgotten. Ostensibly, this is for entertainment purposes only. We suspect a conspiracy wherein show producers scrape the walls at the end of filming and bottle the residue of pure, concentrated drama to sell on the Hollywood script doctor black market. On the legitimate market, Oxygen sells a grip of BGC merchandise at ShopOholic.com. Among the highlights: press-on nail prints ($15); knuckle ring ($20); jeggings with the BCG logo, a “devil heart” on the right butt cheek ($25); and yoga pants that say “catty” across the ass ($30). You can’t get a guiltier pleasure. Oprah, one of Oxygen’s founders, would be proud.
The cast is drawn from all walks of life and that sweet spot of age: 21-27. The girls’ personalities include twin East Coast spoiled princesses Gabi and Dani Victor; East Coast self-professed sex addict Jenna Russo; East Coast self-described sex kitten and spoiled princess Gia Sapp-Hernandez. Truly, it’s a rainbow of colors. Then there’s the wild card: Chicago lunatic Amy Cieslowski. She punctuates everything she says by clapping for emphasis on the Last. Six. Words. Of. Every. Sentence.
Because we, apparently, have the same taste in television as a 16-year-old girl with self-esteem issues and absentee parents, we decided to sit down with the first episode of the new season and document it, second by second. Because, clearly, we hate ourselves. Like, a lot.
2:12 – Our first clubber, Gabi, thinks she’s the prized possession of her family. Apparently the family doesn’t have much.
2:46 – Gabi hasn’t learned that explaining your terrible tattoo doesn’t make it any less terrible.
3:53 – Noted: A vagina waxing in Methuen, Mass., is only $60.
7:05 – Amy will, apparently, be playing the part of the smart girl with the crazy side.
7:21 – “If he’s going to act like a vagina, he might as well sleep with my vagina.” This … this doesn’t seem like much of a threat.
9:00 – Leopard-print ass tat. We’re on board with Gia.
9:21 – Gia enters the house in a bikini and has her first nip-slip about three seconds after she walks in. Gia is immediately our favorite.
11:07 – Dani thinks Reno is a state. Sorry, Gia, you had a good run. We have a new favorite.
11:51 – Jenna claims to be a full-on sex addict. Sorry, Dani, you had a good run. We have a new favorite.
13:10 – Jenna thinks Mr. Rogers was seductive when he took off his sweater. We’re sorry, Dani! We take it back. You were always our favorite. That whore Jenna meant nothing to us.
16:42 – Dani thinks everyone in Haiti is related. Why are we even bothering with these other girls when we could make a reality show out of Dani trying to get through a semester at community college?
17:03 – “You know how someone says wash your vagina with a douchebag? I think it’s like a douche,” Dani says. “No, I think it’s called a dou-bey,” Erica, secure in her wisdom, retorts.
17:30 – “Are you guys idiots? Everyone knows what a bidet is. It’s water that shoots up your ass,” Jenna clarifies. We officially want to move into this house.
20:58 – First night is at Posh. Oh, this is going to be exceptional.
21:27 – Gia puked on Amy. We just ordered a “Team Gia 4 Eva” shirt off eBay.
22:13 – “If the bitch wasn’t sitting there, she wouldn’t have gotten puked on.” Say what you want about our darling Gia, but her logic is impeccable.
29:51 – Conflict! Gia’s fighting style is to swing her arm around in a figure-8 until she taps into someone. Our future wife has a future career in the UFC.
30:25 – Amy shoves Gia, and Gia’s right boob flops out. There is a 100 percent chance she coats them in Vaseline.
32:03 – Now both boobs are swinging free. This gal has a future in both the UFC and at Spearmint Rhino.
32:37 – Gia is crying about the fight. And wants her friend to come out and “thrash this bitch for me.” Come on, Gia, you’re more of a HBIC than this.
34:34 – Gia tries to plow through a burly producer to get at Amy. Her boobs flop out.
34:48 – Now Gia is acting aloof while jamming her boobs back in her top. This will stand as the quintessential Gia moment of the season.
36:21 – After Amy sucker-pushes Demitra, Gia strides purposefully into the frame. With her boobs hanging out.
36:27 – Now Gia dives for Amy’s hair. With her boobs hanging out. On the plus side, she can now cover up her boobs with a giant clump of weave.
39:00 – Dani and Gabi call their father to tell them how whack the whole house is. Dani and Gabi are officially the Waldorf and Statler of BGC.
41:19 – Demitra is wearing Amy’s hair and pretending to be her. This is like Silence of the Lambs but with more indecent exposure.
42:03 – Amy is using a baby voice to taunt Gia. The police should find out how many ex-boyfriends are stashed in her freezer.
44:12 – “It’s the Bad Girls Club, you slut!” Amy explains. If nothing else, this show has given us our new motto.