Do you like to be punctured in moving traffic? Do you like to take on-the-go intravenous medications from phlebotomists in fishnet? Do you like to wear split-back hospital gowns and eat really big burgers?
Then Medical Tourism in Las Vegas is for you! As the Las Vegas Sun reported on April 15, our city is determined to make your health part of our future. What better place to visit a medical facility? As the Sun says, “In Las Vegas—if you’re lucky—you could leave with more than you came with.”
Here in Las Vegas, we realize that accessible, effective health care for our residents is still in the future, but we’re waiting for you today!
Upon your arrival, we’ll whisk you off to University Medical Center, which is affiliated with the state’s only medical school, which is just a quick 450-mile flight away. We don’t have an M.D.-granting institution of our own here in Las Vegas, but that doesn’t mean we’re not a premier destination for Medical Tourism! We know you’re feeling bad, and we want you to come here and feel better. Isn’t that what Vegas is all about?
Next, we’ll get you your fill of beef, booze and broads at a restaurant called Oscar’s Beef, Booze and Broads, which is owned by our former mayor, Oscar. He was the visionary behind our Medical Tourism movement. He wants you to be healthy.
Now, off to the next stage of your medical adventure—the Southern Nevada Health District’s downtown facility. Here in Southern Nevada, we believe that public health begins not in a hospital, but in the preventative care of our people and our community. Here at the downtown center, for instance, we provide immunizations and—
We’re sorry; it appears the center has been temporarily closed due to “dire” structural problems. Well! No worries! I bet you’re feeling woozy after those all-gin martinis anyway.
Let’s get you down to the Strip and onto our brand-new Hangover Heaven bus! Let your forearm suck up some saline, vitamins, Toradol and Zofran. What’s that, you ask? Don’t worry about it! You’re on a bus in Vegas; what could possibly go wrong? One of our local anesthesiologists has created this rolling relief center to help tourists just like you. Medical Tourism!
Well! That was quite a spill you took getting out of the bus; you’re not the first fellow I’ve seen sideswiped by a mobile billboard. (Haha. They’ll put anything on wheels here!)
Let’s get you to a physician. After all, that’s what you came to Vegas for, right! Here in Nevada, we’ve got 198 doctors per 100,000 residents. That’s good for 45th in the nation, ahead of Utah, Wyoming, Arkansas, Mississippi and Idaho. Where else would you want to come on a medical tour?
Well! That was a nice visit with the physician’s assistant. I don’t know what we’d do around here without urgent care! We’ve scheduled a doctor’s appointment for you two months from Tuesday.
In the meantime, please accept this gift card for the Heart Attack Grill. And don’t forget about the many elite treatments we’ve got for Medical Tourists Like You.
Folks swear by our gastric bypasses!