The Prohibited List

Our ace investigative nightlife reporter, Jason Scavone, obtained a copy of this year’s list of banned items and habits before its official release:

  • NO Illegal Substances
  • NO Drugs or Drug Paraphernalia
  • Not Even Any Breaking Bad DVDs
  • NO Pets
  • NO Strays You’re Trying to Get Your Mom to Let You Keep
  • NO Giraffes
  • Especially NO Pet Giraffes
  • NO Massagers
  • NO “Massagers,” Ladies. We’re Totally on to You
  • NO Laser Pointers
  • NO LED Gloves or LED Microlights Used for Light Shows
  • NO Death Rays
  • NO Pacifiers or Dust Masks
  • NO Bibs
  • NO Onesies
  • NO Adult Diapers
  • Please, Could We Just Agree You Don’t Dress Like a Giant Baby?
  • NO Eyedrops (available inside festival at the General Store)
  • NO Glass, Cans, Cups or Coolers
  • NO Brown M&Ms
  • NO Markers, Pens or Spray Paint
  • NO Photocopy Equipment, Fax Machines, White-Out, Staple Removers or OfficeMax fliers
  • NO Large Chains or Spiked Jewelry
  • NO Stickers, Fliers, Banners or Posters
  • NO Balloons, Balls, Inflatable Balls (Which Is Kind of Covered Under ‘Balls’ Already But Whatever) or Frisbees
  • NO Tents, Large Umbrellas, Chairs or Blankets
  • NO Other Patio Furniture
  • No Furniture of Any Kind (*)
  • NO Backpacks Over 12”x12”
  • NO Jetpacks—any size
  • NO Bota Bags
  • NO Large Purses or Bags
  • NO Pretty Much Anything Over 12” x 12”
  • NO Trash Bags
  • NO Madame Trash Heap
  • NO Stuffed Animals or Dolls (Including Plush Backpacks)
  • NOT Even Mr. Pumpernickel, Your Bestest Stuffed Friend From Kindergarten
  • NO Open Packs of Cigarettes or Unsealed Tampons (Upon Entry)
  • NO Outside Food or Beverages (Including Alcohol and Candy)
  • NO Open Packs of Candy Cigarettes
  • NO Weapons of Any Kind (Includes Pocket Knives, Pepper Spray, Fireworks, etc.)
  • NO Pointing Out That Fireworks Aren’t a Weapon
  • NO Professional Recording Equipment—Photo, Video or Audio (No Detachable Lenses, Tripods, Big Zooms or Commercial-Use Rigs)
  • NO Hobbyist Recording Equipment—Four Track Soundboards, VHS Camcorders or Microcassette Recorders
  • NO Video Cameras
  • NO Eye Contact
  • NO Speaking Unless Spoken To
  • NO Pudding If You Don’t Eat Your Meat

(*) Unless you are Le Corbusier with glow sticks.

Suggested Next Read

Battling for the Brain

Battling for the Brain

By Bob Whitby

By day, 25-year-old Nils Widlund is a presumably mild-mannered employee in the corporate sales support division of Nordea Bank in Stockholm. He crunches numbers on a computer, moves money around and wears nice clothes to work. Nights, weekends and on extended leave, he’s “Honeybadger” Widlund, the professional kickboxer who, just like the ferocious carnivore made infamous by the viral video, is “pretty badass and runs all over the place.” “I’m really quick,” Widlund says. “I move around a lot. That’s from my kung-fu training. Many of the other fighters aren’t used to that.”