Let porn speak for Vegas on Broadway

Illustration by Jesse Sutherland

Illustration by Jesse Sutherland

Hail Pornographers!

Forgive us: Adult-film professionals.

Bless their little hearts (apologies for suggesting any porn-star organ is “little”) because the birthday-suited thesps are now our emissaries to Broadway, which seems fair—New York gives us Tony Award winners, we give them Woody Award winners.

Yup, that’s what they call trophies handed out at the Hard Rock at the annual Adult Video News Awards ceremony, selected as the setting of The Performers, a new “romantic comedy.” Henry Winkler headlines as an aging porn star (read: Ron Jeremy) named—wait for it—Chuck Wood.

Set for October previews and a November opening, The Performers is penned by David West Read and centers around two high school friends, played by Cheyenne Jackson (30 Rock) and Daniel Breaker, and their women, reconnecting at the awards. Let the press release take over:

“When the night takes an unexpected turn and relationships are threatened, Chuck Wood, the hardest-working man in the business, steps in to lend a hand [whatever that means]. Sex, love and Barry Manilow [HUH?] intersect in this comedy about the ups and downs and ins and outs [hardee-har-har] of love.” Got the thrust of it?

We ran this by Steve Javors, managing editor of the AVN Media Network.

Flattered, Steve? “It’s certainly flattering for our awards show to be portrayed on Broadway. I hope the play portrays the awards in a positive light, as our show is the biggest, most important night in adult entertainment.”

Like to be consulted? “I know at least one of the producers of the play attended our awards show this year. We’d love to consult with them to share the history of the awards and perhaps give them some insight or input. … Too bad we’re across the country. I’d love to organize a group trip so our entire office could attend.”

Could we fare better than being repped on the Great White Way by a show that dishes out kudos for “Best Three-Way Sex Scene: Girl-Boy-Boy”? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. Depicting us as the global capital of gaming and Elvis impersonators is clichéd. Portraying us as the American capital of Cirque du Soleil is underwhelming. Wondrous as its shows are, they lack the snap and edge worthy of an instant Vegas Baby! ID. We’ll always be a brand name for sin and our AVN porn pals fit that to a T (or a G-spot).

Please, guardians of the cultural wing of Las Vegas, no protests—as often happens when something offends the easily peeved—OK? C’mon Vegas, open your arms (or legs) to this.

How nice that we can salute Broadway after all they’ve given us. Even if it’s with a Woody.

NOSH ON NOTES: Locally, The Smith Center for the Performing Arts hasn’t lacked for media exposure. Nationally, though, it will get some well-deserved, high-toned PR when PBS (KLVX-TV Channel 10) broadcasts the star-studded opening concert from last March at 9 p.m. Sept. 21. Also, the Center announced next season’s lineup, highlighted by the Israeli Philharmonic, Ben Vereen and Anita Baker. Artists one and all, but not radically departing from UNLV’s pre-Smith headliner hierarchy.

STRIP POSTSCRIPT: Should The Performers win a Tony, let’s clear mantel space at the Hard Rock and send Sasha Grey to fetch it.

Suggested Next Read

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