Apocalypse Next

Get ready for the real end of the world. Really.

For the record, I never believed that the world would blow up with the end of the Mayan Long Count calendar on December 21. Nor do I think that the Mayans actually wanted the world to end. If the ancient Mayans were still around, they’d want to live to see the next two Hobbit movies, to get their mortgages upright and to see the Fontainebleau completed.

So what I’m talking about here isn’t the failed 2012 apocalypse, but the new and improved 2013 apocalypse. That planetary event—which we’ll call The Apocalypse Project so we can have TED Talks about it—should manage to wipe out all life on this planet, except maybe for some of the craftier insects and Julian Assange. I don’t have a firm date for the event just yet, but when I do I’ll send you a Facebook invite that you can ignore like all the others.

Now, I know that the cynic in you demands proof of this. You’ve heard more than a few false prophets. You’re feeling let down by the whole Mayan thing. Or you’ve just booked a Disney cruise. But I promise you, The Apocalypse Project is real, and it’s coming right soon. Here’s how I know that:

The Obama. If the state of Texas thinks we’ve sealed our fate by re-electing President Obama, then surely we have. They’ve always been so calm and rational down there.

The Twinkies. We always said they would outlast the apocalypse. Now Hostess has gone bankrupt, and Twinkies are doomed. I mean, until some other company buys the recipe in bankruptcy proceedings. But it’s the same as the end of the world, right? We should go out and buy all the Twinkies we can and sell them on eBay, shouldn’t we? That wouldn’t be the least bit sad or pathetic.

The Wheels. The biggest Strip openings set for 2013 are … two Ferris wheels! The Kardashians and their ilk can’t make iPhone sex videos on Ferris wheels, can’t bring their full complement of paparazzi on Ferris wheels, and can’t be paid to “DJ” electronic music parties on Ferris wheels.

We’re going to lose an entire revenue stream by not building new hotels for these trust-fund brats to destroy. Without that much-needed revenue boost, Las Vegas will become a dusty ruin—our dearest lifeblood lost to the Disney Cruise Line, or something. Who are we without new hotel rooms to desecrate?

The Movies. There are six popcorn movies about a post-apocalyptic Earth coming out in 2013: Neill Blomkamp’s Elysium, Joseph Kosinski’s Oblivion, M. Night Shyamalan’s After Earth, George Miller’s Mad Max: Fury Road, Marc Forster’s World War Z and J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek Into Darkness.

This tells me two things. One is that we really want the world to end, and we’re willing to pay 3-D prices to watch it happen. And secondly, by allowing M. Night Shyamalan to make another movie, we obviously don’t care what happens to us anymore.

I know you don’t believe in The Apocalypse Project. You want to forge ahead, “YOLO” tattooed on ass, trying to get the rest of us to believe that there’s a bright future ahead. I wish I could believe that, but … I’ve already got my TED Talk scheduled. As I said, the end is nigh.