Resolve This!

How to make a mockery of the New Year in 48 awful hours


Illustration by Chris Jones

The only thing easier than making a New Year’s resolution? Breaking a New Year’s resolution. Let’s face it: Some of us have will, others power, but precious few possess the chemical balance required to fuse those two characteristics into one compound word. Which is why as 2013 dawned, I resolved to do just one thing: stop kidding myself. Rather than pour time, energy and money into an inevitable failure, why not just swiftly cut bait and move on with life? Here, then, is how I spent the first 48 hours of 2013:

Resolution: Quit drinking.

Jan. 1, 12:02 a.m. Did two shots of Wild Turkey, chased with a Jäger bomb. Hey, before you start judging, how many of you held out for a full 120 seconds?

Resolution: Eat healthy.

2:15 a.m. With the munchies kicking in, cabbed over to the Peppermill and ordered the Maserati omelet, stuffed with sausage, jack and cheddar cheese and mushrooms, and smothered with Italian meat sauce and topped with Parmesan cheese. Told the waitress, “Hold the mushrooms!”

Resolution: Get in shape.

10:10 a.m. Woke up, canceled gym membership. What you call being lazy I call being fiscally responsible. What’s the point of paying $19.95 a month for the privilege of having a membership card that I’ve used less in the last year than my library card? Gotta watch every dime these days.

Resolution: Save money.

10:28 a.m. Limo arrived and whisked me off to Shadow Creek for a $500 round of golf. On the way back had the limo stop at the Forum Shops, where I dropped another five large on a workout suit at the Nike store. Hey, I’m gonna reactivate that gym membership someday

Resolution: Be more tolerant.

Jan. 2, 9:30 a.m. Walked over to the neighbors’ place and told him, “I’ve given some thought to the differences between us and have come to realize that it’s a big, big world with more than enough room for towering assholes like you and your horrible family.”

Resolution: Add some culture to your life.

1:44 p.m. Sold my Smith Center series tickets to a friend, and used the profits to buy the latest Kid Rock album, that alien invasion novel by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, Battleship on Blu-Ray and an hour’s worth of lap dances at Larry’s Villa. Also created a Kickstarter campaign to get Las Vegas the Whirlyball team it so richly deserves.

Resolution: Give back to the community.

1:48 p.m. Gave some money to a Kickstarter campaign devoted to getting Las Vegas its own Whirlyball team.

Resolution: Quit gambling.

3:35 p.m. Headed downtown after betting a buddy $1,000 that I could prove Tony Hsieh isn’t the head of a cult.

Resolution: Start thinking for yourself.

4:05 p.m. Sent my buddy the $1,000 tucked inside an autographed copy of Delivering Happiness, along with a sticky note on which I wrote, “You’ve got to read this book. It will change your life!”

Resolution: Spend more time with family.

4:08 p.m. Called the wife and kids. Told them, “I have found the Messiah, and I must walk with him …”

Want to actually keep your New Year’s resolutions? Click here for some tips from Vegas Seven staffers.