Like a chaser for a particularly thick and sticky shot of Jaeger, the AVN Awards routinely add a comedian to the proceedings along with its usual porn starlet hosts. The last couple of years saw Dave Attell and Lisa Lampanelli give the folks at home something to think about other than just the disturbing family dynamics of Not Married with Children XXX.
This year, Howard Stern fave April Macie teams up with Jesse Jane and Asa Akira for January 19’s awards ceremony at the Hard Rock Hotel. We caught up with her to talk porn, why women get into stand-up and, uh, more porn.
How’d you get hooked up with the AVN Awards?
I’ve done a bunch of stuff for Showtime. So a dude at Showtime I guess recommended me to the people over at AVN.
Were you doing Dave’s Old Porn?
No, I did Pauly Shore’s special, and I did Snoop Dogg’s Bad Girls of Comedy and now this.
Are you going to the convention too, or just the awards?
No, I’m going to be wandering around. I’m getting in on Thursday I think for rehearsal. Then I’ll just be wandering. A lot of porn, a lot of frozen yogurt.
Just those two things. Have you been to the convention before?
No, first time.
What are you expecting?
I expect a tremendous amount of sex toys and stuff. I expect a lot of horny dudes. I imagine there will be a lot of dudes with wolf eyes wandering.
That’s pretty accurate. They’re also all armed with professional-grade photography equipment.
Oh, really? I was there when they used to combine CES with this, which was just a perfect melding of horny, nerdy dudes and ladies with giant cans.
Are you naturally a porn fan?
I watch, like, girl porn to be perfectly honest. There’s always gentle summer morning kisses in my variety of porn. There was a pop-up that I found really disturbing. I don’t know who’s making this, but it was a dude and he was mushing this woman’s face with a laundry basket. All I could think was this is a really weird way to teach a woman to separate colors.
Your restraining-order experience didn’t ruin porn for you?
No, I just didn’t want people fucking on my grand piano. It’s really hard to get lube out of lacquered wood.
How’d you get started doing military tours?
I started probably like six years ago. I went to Guantanamo. It’s very odd telling dick jokes next to a detainee camp. It’s like the ultimate form of torture for them, just women talking in general, but women talking about their nutsacks is very unappealing for the fellas. Then I just fell into quite a bit of them. I’ve been to Korea four times. I did Iraq; I slept in Saddam Hussein’s palace, which looks like it was decorated by Carmela Soprano. Dictators and Mob wives have very similar taste. Saudi Arabia, Oman, Djibouti, I’ve been all throughout the South Pacific. I’ve done quite a few. It feels like I’m trying to wash off the entertainment industry and the narcissistic ego chase by doing something good a few weeks a year.
Is it working?
No, not really. Still chasing.
With the stories you’ve written about your family, it sounds like your past is a little dark.
I don’t think there’s any reason to go into stand-up comedy as a woman, just traveling on the road in various rape-murder hotels around the world, telling dick jokes in front of strangers, unless you have some sort of damage in your past. There’s so much rejection early on, you wouldn’t keep doing it unless there was an emptiness inside your soul that needed to be filled by the laughter of strangers.
It’s interesting that you say that specifically about women – wasn’t Phyllis Diller a housewife before she got into stand-up?
Yeah, but something went down. I think with guys, there are also guys who do it for attention that struggled to get laid. They didn’t have enough puss in their life at some critical point. They were denied by a lot of ladies so they use it as a means to get women. Whereas I think with women, it’s a desperate need for attention and validation that you didn’t get as a kid. And then the men, I can always sniff out the good, solid damaged ones. They’re always the better comics in my opinion. A dad that beat the funny into them – you can always see it.
It kind of comes full circle for this gig, then. You could make the case porn stars are in it for the same thing.
I would imagine. I’m trying to steer clear of those issues this weekend. I took a different turn, though. I think I had one teacher in the gifted program that was nice to me, who kept me out of the porn industry. Mrs. Ley. She smelled like vanilla.
Are you friendly with any of the performers, like your co-hosts?
I’ve never met any of them. I’m not nervous about the opening monologue where I tell jokes. I’m more nervous about the presenting because I have no idea how to pronounce names with three X’s in them.
Some of those categories are going to be tough to get through with a straight face.
I think I have some favorites. Oh, double penetration? Where’s that lady at? That sounds absolutely terrifying. I like a nice, solid medium penis. That’s what I want in my life.
That’s a good start for an OK Cupid profile.
Yeah, just a solid medium is perfect. Anything above seems frightening.
What else do you have in the works right now?
I’m on the road. I might have a reality show coming up shortly, but I don’t think they’ve announced it in the trades yet. Like what it’s like to be a lady comic. One of those type of things. The life of a lady comic, just sad and alone eating drumsticks at one in the morning in your hotel room.
Like Real Housewives of the Laugh Factory?
Exactly. With a lot less plastic surgery.