Feh to Pharmaceutical Ads

My leg is restless. I am suffering from gastric distress. Since 3 a.m. last Tuesday, dizziness has been an issue. I have joint pain and slight inflammation of the nostrils and eyelids. My hair is falling out. Last Tuesday, at 2:38 a.m., I woke up without any particular maladies. I had a lot on my mind, though, and I wanted to have less on my mind, so I turned on the television. Seven minutes into Joanie Loves Chachi, just as I was getting a nice dozy feeling from wondering why Scott Baio had a bandana tied around his leg, I became fascinated by a nasal-decongestant ad that showed me pictures of happy dads chasing small towheaded children through dandelion fields. I occasionally sneeze on spring weekends, so it occurred to me that it would be pleasant if I, too, could be a happy dad chasing small towheaded children, though I suppose that would scare the children unless I were their dad.

In any case, just as the dad was leading the kids into his sun-dappled home to pet the sheepdog, an announcer told me that I should ask my doctor if I was suffering from symptoms of glaucoma. I raised my hand to my right eye, rubbed it and realized that it felt a bit strained, as if pressure were building up from within. A moment later, my heart beat twice when it should have beaten once, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to urinate. Which would not have been such a problem if it weren’t for the kidney stone I’d just developed. The dad threw open the French windows of his countryside estate. A breeze billowed the curtains. Faerie dust glistened in a beam of light. It was lovely beyond words. I needed to vomit. I will ask my doctor about XeNaze, just as soon as the paralysis clears.

Suggested Next Read

Seven Days

Seven Days

By Bob Whitby

Thursday, Feb. 14 Take your Valentine around the world without leaving Las Vegas via the Venetian’s exhibit, The 50 Greatest Photographs of National Geographic. The show features iconic images from the magazine’s 125-year history, along with stories about the men and women who shot them. Beats the hell out of a box of chocolates. 9:30 a.m.-7 p.m., Nevada residents $15, children under 12 free, Venetian.com.

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