Dropping into town for a few weeks of strip-and-strut, Ian Ziering—whom you’ll recall as high school horn dog Steve Sanders on the original Beverly Hills 90210—has joined the Rio’s Chippendales through June 30.
Perhaps the 49-year-old is revving up to start his own strip troupe, the AARPendales. Seriously, good for you, dude—if you’ve got the buff bod, then be a sex god.
Inspired by Ziering’s daring, we’ve concocted a list of Vegas entertainers who’d make amusing guest-grinders:
Louie Anderson: After shedding some poundage and conquering his fears for his stint on the diving-competition series Splash, a little jiggly-wiggly in front of screaming women won’t frighten him. Whether it frightens them is another matter entirely.
Jay Leno: As outgoing Tonight Show host, the frequent Mirage headliner apparently needs a full-time gig. Besides, haven’t you wondered if Leno’s chin is really his most pronounced body part? … Yeah, me neither, actually.
Carrot Top: Ya gotta believe Mr. Hardbody is dying to be asked. Who’s dying to see him? … Hands? … Anyone? … Anyone at all?
Claire Sinclair: Tragically, we can’t see the ex-Playboy princess topless in her own Stratosphere show, Pinup. Can’t get away with that at Chippendales, where All Chests Are Created Equal. Although very few wind up equaling hers.
Andrew Dice Clay: Hickory-dickory-dock. C’mon, Dice Man, show the ladies who find your profane nursery rhymes offensive what ya got … Oh my … Stealing a line from Georgy Porgy, have you been gorging on the puddin’ and pie?
Blue Man Group: Rumor has it their pecs are magenta, their abs are turquoise and their glutes are canary-yellow. Anything else we’d prefer to leave to your imagination.
The Gazillionaire: Spastic gyrations of the greasy Absinthe host would be good for a few giggles, but the maintenance folks should have their mops at the ready after he sweats Crisco all over the stage.
Rich Little as Richard Nixon: True, there is no full-frontal nudity in Chippendales. Still, imagine the promotional benefits of billing an act as “Tricky Dick.”
Frank Marino as Joan Rivers: Frank arrives onstage in full Joan regalia, bumps, grinds and strips right down to bra and panties, then lambasts every woman in the audience for their horrendous fashion sense.
Don Rickles: Still performing in Vegas at age 87, is there any reason to think he couldn’t do this, too? “Ladies, please welcome to the stage—Mr. Warmth, two nurses and an oxygen tent!”
Coco Austin and her 39DDs: Just to teach the Chippendales a lesson in humility. You think you’re such hot stuff, guys? Try dancing while holding those things up.
Criss Angel: You think you’re hot stuff too, Criss? Stripped down, onstage, compared to the Chippendales? Humility lesson in reverse.
Jabbawockeez: Performers must relate to their audience, and the Jabbas’ robotic moves while nearly naked might remind many ladies of their boyfriends and husbands. Sorry, ladies.
Thunder From Down Under: Because a little good, clean, fleshy competition never hurt anyone. Because what this town needs is an All-Star Pec-Off. Because I’d like to hear an announcer yell, “Let’s get ready to RIPPLE-EEEEEEEE!”
Got an entertainment tip? Email Steve.Bornfeld@VegasSeven.com.