I couldn’t help but notice your new program offering “Bad A$$ Checking,” a.k.a. BACON. This is mainly because it arrived in my mailbox in the lifesize shape of a one-pound slab of supermarket bacon. This porcine missive intrigued me, not only because of your cunning use of dollar signs in the place of the letter S, implying that the bad-assedness is monetary in nature, but also because I am unaccustomed to thinking about my personal finances in terms of pork products. Yes, you have my attention now.
I assume that the person who hatched this program is youthful, a twenty-something consultant brought in from Portland, Oregon, or Austin, Texas, perhaps, and is likely bearded or bespectacled. A popular hipster meme, bacon speaks of the kind of irreverence and disregard for arterial health that can only belong to the youth. As such, bacon sits alongside craft beer, plaid shirts and the Cronut as a signpost of a genuine nature, however ironic. So I applaud the correlation being drawn between my desire for free mobile check deposit, online banking and bill pay and my appreciation for bacon. The fact that you were able to secure a URL with the word bacon in it (BaconCU.org) is quite the achievement, as well.
Full disclosure: I am of the Jewish faith. That said, I describe myself as “a bacon-eating Jew,” a more modern, unofficial subset of Reform whose members tend to have grown up in liberal, secular or “culturally” Jewish homes where Hanukkah gelt and latkes were consumed, but so were bacon and eggs. Still, I am concerned that your choice to call your hipster-banking program “BACON” is meant to be a subtle hint or blatant warning, even, that perhaps my money is not welcome there. And while not a vegetarian myself, I know many of that persuasion who might also enjoy free text and email alerts, free apps and unlimited cash back on debit card transactions.
Sir or madam: Are vegetarians and Jews welcome to partake in the BACON? And by extension, what about Muslims and Seventh Day Adventists?
Please realize that I appreciate your time, especially when you are dedicating so much of it to the forthcoming free Ca$h Perks reward program, so before I bring my culturally Jewish money to your institution, I just wanted to clarify: Am I Bad A$$ enough for BACON?
I eagerly await your reply.