You Say You Want a Resolution

Here are a few likely to last as long as a New Year’s hangover

showstopper_12_26_13Lose weight? Be kind to all creatures of the Earth, great and small? Clear my garage of crap I’ve owned since Nixon resigned? Worthwhile resolutions, all—and all thoroughly irrelevant to an entertainment column.

Therefore, this columnist resolves in 2014 to …

*  Brave the syrupy, faux-blood “splatter zone” at Evil Dead the Musical if they distribute OxiClean stain-remover pens. Because it’s not clean unless it’s OxiClean.

* Attend more topless revues. I’d provide specific reasons except they would all amount to “DUH.”

* Get invited to the AVN Awards. Which equals a year of topless revues.

* Show up at more glad-handing, fake-friendly, bullshit-swapping opening-night after-parties. I need to increase my efficiency at making pointless small talk with shameless self-promoters.

* Be more willing to engage in “audience participation” at shows. Except hypnotist shows. Unless I can hypnotize the hypnotist to do the chicken dance in his skivvies. How does it feel, asshole? 

* Be mindful in a new relationship not to base my behavior on Defending the Caveman if my significant other doesn’t base hers on The D* Word. 

* See Absinthe while stoned. So what if it’s redundant?

*  Keep writing about the phabulous Phat Pack until they reach the pinnacle of show business—singing the Top 10 List on Letterman.

* Never again have a reason to write about Donny Osmond’s ass, broken or otherwise.

* See the Jersey Boys movie about Frankie Valli and his compadres when it’s released in June, directed by Clint Eastwood. Because the story of a guy with the world’s greatest falsetto should be directed by a guy with a voice three octaves below sea level. Hey Clint, could you sing “Sherry” over the closing credits?

* Resist spearheading a new religious cult based on the divinity of Criss Angel. Though if I did give in, it would naturally be called “Crisstianity.”

*See Jabbawockeez, Blue Man Group and Recycled Percussion all in one day. Then get a brain scan to prove the effect is roughly equivalent to smoking a pound of pot.

* Not see any guest strippers at Chippendales unless it’s the cast of Divas Las Vegas.

* Bone up for my Chippendales audition by taking Stripper 101

* Get rejected by Chippendales and audition for Zombie Burlesque, for which I’m told I have the perfect look.

* Prep Zumanity audition by memorizing the Kama Sutra.

* Convince “clean comic” Carlos Oscar to open for Eddie Griffin. Should happen around the time you can get a drink on the rocks in hell.

* Sneak in cutlery to eat the meal at Tournament of Kings. Just to be subversive.

* Loudly break into “Disco Duck” at Rock of Ages. That subversive thing again.

* Campaign for a Sweeney Todd Vegas residency. VIP package to include post-show buffet. All meats guaranteed fresh, carved from people in the cheap seats.

* Prowl the audience at Menopause the Musical to find my next age-appropriate girlfriend.

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