Only in America: Hot Dogs, Kardashians and Flavor Flav’s Fireworks Stash

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

While the yearly display of American exceptionalism—the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest—takes place 2,500 miles away on Coney Island every Fourth of July, our patriotic fervor was no less for being so far from the epicenter of everything that makes this country great.

Of course, it helps that Las Vegan Miki Sudo slammed 34 dogs to win the women’s title over defending champ Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, proving that our hopes for expanding the local economy past gaming are alive and well.

No greater an American treasure than one of the myriad and sundry Kardashian sisters—Khloe, in this case—celebrated both her birthday and America on July 4, with her 30th coming the week prior. The former Mrs. Lamar Odom marked the milestone with boyfriend French Montana and R&B singer Miguel at Tao, where an Elvis impersonator and showgirl brought her a red, white and blue cake. Which sounds awfully generic. Come on, Khloe, distinguish yourself here: Design some lousy handbags or something.

One of America’s greatest contributions to the world at large is, it goes without saying, the meatball sub. Italian-American cooking has found its own foodie champions in chefs Mario Carbone and Rich Torrisi. Their Torrisi, Parm and Carbone restaurants have lit up the New York dining scene since 2010. Now their Major Food Group is rumored to be bringing an outpost of Carbone to Aria in September. A representative for MGM Resorts International had no comment.

Flavor Flav just wants to celebrate the country of his Don King-ian success the same way you do: with a hundred pounds of illegal fireworks. But apparently, showing all the world just exactly how patriotic you are is frowned upon these days, because Metro confiscated Flav’s stash and issued a pair of citations. God, you have a couple of bottle rockets lying around and all of a sudden you’re Guy Fawkes.

Generally, most of our better pastimes involve firearms—like hanging out at gun ranges, or blasting away at television sets showing Mike & Molly reruns. Penn Jillette will be hosting Camp Stew on the Sportsman Channel starting July 17. The premise involves Jillette hosting clips of woodsy goofiness, sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos or Tosh.0 for the camouflage set. If there isn’t a video of a lynx leaping right at an unsuspecting hunter’s face, we’re going to consider the whole project a failure.

Sometimes, it takes a couple of Canadians to really hone in on what makes America so great. Like becoming famous for recording a sad lip-synch video at the airport. Richard Dunn’s “All By Myself” viral sensation paid off July 4 when Dunn got a full meet-and-greet with Celine Dion, as she promised in a video of her own. See, dreams really do come true. Unless your dream is to set off a hundred pounds of illegal fireworks.

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