Derek Jeter and Katy Perry Offer Lessons in Graceful Transitions

Paris Hilton … eh, not so much.

Illustration by Cierra

Illustration by Cierra

You don’t always see them when they’re there, but every so often, life presents you with opportunities to pivot, to transition gracefully from one moment to the next. Derek Jeter, for example, pivoted perfectly last week from “baseball player” to “object of wistful melancholy for a time when the Yankees weren’t dangerously close to being worse than the Blue Jays,” while Keith Olbermann, when presented the same opportunity afforded by Jeter’s impending retirement, chose to stick right with “grandstanding, petulant asshole.” Sometimes you make a move; sometimes you dance with who brung ya.

Katy Perry is nimble with this sort of thing: It was her transition from fresh-faced gospel singer to faux-lesbian sex rocket that put her on the map in the first place. It’s not like she doesn’t have miles of practice moving enthusiastically in and out of new relationships, but she definitely got to trot out those old skills September 26 after she wrapped her show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena.

Perry ended up at Surrender, where all-but-publicly-confirmed boyfriend Diplo was spinning. She also got comfortable with her other new love: pizza. Perry has been flogging her love of pie on social media for months, but she went full-on hipster affectation with it when she had a couple of pizzas from Napoli Pizzeria delivered to the club.

When Diplo finished his set, Perry bounced out. He followed shortly after at about 3:15 a.m. God, what Harvey Levin wouldn’t give to get the goods on a high-ticket, private celebrity pizza party like that.

Wahlburgers, the burger joint owned by the two Wahlberg brothers you’ve heard of and the one who actually does the heavy lifting at the joint, is transitioning from regional curiosity/reality show fodder into a full-blown national phenomenon. Because when Mark Wahlberg sort of invests in his brother’s fast-food chain, he only does it one way: big. (And when Donnie Wahlberg sort of invests in his brother’s fast-food chain, it’s because his younger, more famous brother told him to.) Wahlburgers promises three Vegas locations, starting with a 4,400-square-foot shop opening at an undisclosed location early in 2015. Your long wait to get a Big Papi Burger is nearly over. We hear it tastes like beard trimmings and carefully covered-up PEDs.

As Paris Hilton makes the move to a post-River Viiperi life, settling into the single scene one more time should be a familiar enough feeling. But she’s going at it hard this time around: First she spent $13,000 on a borderline-Tribble Pomeranian named “Mr. Amazing.” (Stop screaming with incoherent rage, you’ll wake the neighbors.) Then she spent $230,000 on one night at the New York outpost of Marquee. (OK, your screams are completely justified this time.) Hilton ran through nearly a dozen bottles each of Patrón, Grey Goose and Cristal, plus a $100,000 bottle of Ace of Spades. She’s the Marie Antoinette of our time. Hopefully.

Finally, Syfy has picked up Wizard Wars—the Penn & Teller-starring magic competition show—for another six-episode run. And it didn’t even need to feature gratuitous shark attacks to get there. Truly, we’re all learning and growing.

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