ISIS is coming to town. And not the heady doom-metal one that you wouldn’t mind setting up shop at The Joint—no, it’s the one full of foaming-at-the-mouth, batshit caliphate fetishists. At least, that’s according to a blog run by people sympathetic to the ISIS cause. (Pinterest, probably.)
Last month, the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department confirmed that the blog contained calls for lone-wolf attacks on Las Vegas using the same instructions the brothers Tsarnaev used in crafting homemade bombs during their Boston Marathon terrorist attack. This is obviously problematic to anyone who has a strong interest in not being blown up. We’re downright obsessed with not being blown up. We have all of Not Being Blown Up’s posters on our walls.
And if you doubt ISIS’ commitment, consider that they respond to any real or perceived slight to Islam with roughly the same unhinged hysteria as your average One Direction fan when someone on the Internet slams Niall Horan. “Terrorist” doesn’t begin to do it justice.
So with the knowledge that it’s exceedingly difficult to talk any extremists onto Team NotBeingBlownUp, we’d like to send this open letter to ISIS:
What’s up? Did you have a good summer? It was hot here, but you know how that is—LOL j/k.
Anyway, heard you might be coming to Vegas soon and that you wanted to wreck some of our stuff. Tell you what, in the interest of earning a little sympathy lest we ever become the world’s lowest-stakes political prisoner, we’ll let you in on the targets that will do the most to make Vegas give up its gambling, stripping and booze-chugging lifestyle.
• The Fontainebleau. Sure, it may look like a desolate eyesore, but we Las Vegans consider this north Strip hulk a proud monument. It’s like our Statue of Liberty. Except for, you know, the other Statue of Liberty outside New York-New York. Besides, we heard the hotel was planning on opening Club Allah Is a Jerk. And you know how much we love intolerance.
• The Harmon. Nothing says “typical Las Vegas” excess quite like building half a hotel then using it for a billboard. We’re so decadent, we don’t even know where most of our buildings are. Hell, we built Revel and forgot it in Atlantic City. It’s like finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat.
• Those two pylons for the Skyvue: We’re a subtle people. That’s why those two pylons blindly groping skyward might seem like abandoned construction for a doomed-from-the-start Ferris wheel, but in reality, they’re twin tributes to the two things we cherish most: eating unnerving amounts of pork, and drinking strong liquors with the grim determination of a desert-dehydrated Bukowski.
• The Nevada Test Site. Oh, the days flesh-baring wanton celebrities spend frolicking together at this monolithic, living testament to our past. Have you ever seen that Miss Atomic Bomb 1957 photo? Both the Killers and Holly Madison paid tribute to it. It’s how we show our Western hubris.
• This one wall in my house. As an agoraphobe who in no way wants to enlarge his living space, I’ll be completely terrified if you knock down this one non-load-bearing wall and force me to redo my kitchen into something more bright, airy and inviting.
Anyway, ISIS, we hope this helps get you started. And please remember, when the time comes, make sure we’re only issued the training-wheels, kiddie fatwa.