Our Last-Minute Holiday Wish List

Goodies for the entire Valley … and, OK, a few things for ourselves

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

We hear Santa Claus is coming to town. We also hear that, despite our many … let’s just call them indiscretions … this year, we here at Vegas Seven somehow found our way onto St. Nick’s “nice” list. (So what if we picked up Mrs. Claus’ bottle-service tab when she was in Vegas with the gals back in July? You do what you gotta do.) Anyway, as he begins loading his sleigh, hopefully the jolly ol’ man can leave a little extra room to accommodate these wishes …


➜ It’s a nebulous request at best, but I’d like something positive that unequivocally ties together residents in this sprawling Valley. The Mountain Ridge Little League team came close for one brief period this year, but a winning team, an inspiring event, a local personality on the national or international stage—for a good reason—would draw us together, give us reason to celebrate. Short of that, I’ll take a recommendation for a good bowl of clam chowder. – Paul Szydelko

➜ An army of showgirls to greet every tourist at the airport with feather boas. Sure, it’s a cheap rip-off of the revered Hawaiian tradition of orchid lei greetings. But that’s what makes it so delightfully Vegas! – Cindi Moon Reed

➜ I realize this is unlikely to happen before December 25, but it’s time for a Big Four sports team in Las Vegas. Santa, you can take their games off the betting board if you have to; just give us an NBA, NFL, MLB or NHL team, so we sports gluttons can finally have a hometown option to root for. – Mike Grimala

➜ Is it too much to ask for light rail throughout the Valley? Yeah, probably. In that case, I want Bin 702 to bring back its Everything Bagel Deviled Eggs. – Xania Woodman

➜ I’d love a site-specific immersive theater experience inside one of our long-abandoned casinos or motels—something truly inventive. The arts community would surely embrace it, and I promise I would go frequently and tell everyone I know to do the same. – Melinda Sheckells

➜ Frankincense and myrrh to make the Valley smell like baby Jesus. I’ll keep the gold. – Camille Cannon

➜ Call me greedy if you want, but my list this year is extensive: Five or six Ellis Island eggnogs, half a dozen Rum Rum Rudolphs from Frankie’s Tiki Room and, when I’m beyond caring, a pint of Old Crow from Atomic Liquors. Of course, considering my behavior this year, Santa might just bring me a vodka and Red Bull instead. And make me drink it at a club. On Double EDM night. – Jason Scavone

➜ How about a tax on obnoxious Vegas visitors? You know the ones: They think we all live in hotels. Or commute every day from Pittsburgh, because, hell, who would live here? Or that no drop of rain ever plops in the Valley and no snowflake ever dusts the mountain. Or that we play slots all day because we’re degenerates with no bills to pay. Or that we all visit brothels—or that we even have brothels and they’re legal. Or when they do bother to notice we have homes, they’re half-sure those are brothels. A pox on all of them. Or at least a tax—which we could then use to fund the schools … that we don’t have. – Steve Bornfeld

➜ What I’d really like are some less-embarrassing state legislators. You know, someone who doesn’t spend a decade penning and publishing racist/misogynist columns and then declares his words were “taken out of context.” Someone who doesn’t believe “no new taxes” means refusing to pay the hefty bill she already owes Uncle Sam. Actually, now that I think of it, Governor Sandoval probably already asked Santa for all that. So I’ll take that red patent leather satchel from the Miu Miu spring collection instead. It’s only about two grand, and heaven knows, I stand a better chance of getting it. – Lissa Townsend Rodgers

➜ I think most transplants from the Chicago/Northwest Indiana areas would agree that Las Vegas would be a better place with a Portillo’s all up in it. The juicy char-burgers, the jumbo dogs, the extra-wet beef-and-cheddar croissant with sweet and hot peppers … my arteries clog just thinking about all that deliciousness. With two locations in Arizona and two in California, it seems only a matter of time before the Valley is stuffing its collective beef-hole with a fistful of crinkle-cut fries and a Maxwell Street Polish. – Ryan Olbrysh

➜ It would be nice if the Hinge dating app would come to Las Vegas. It’s to romance what Tinder is to one-night hookups. – Nicole Ely

➜ Yes, we California transplants can be pretentious dicks. But I swear, I don’t care about organic farmers markets, Uber, overpriced hipster bars, lit crawls, who marries who or recycling. I just wish everyone would drive faster. If you can’t drive more than 60 mph on the freeway, then use the side streets. I’d ask for everyone to stop driving like Mr. Magoo when it rains, but not even Santa could grant that wish. – Zoneil Maharaj

➜ I want a bunch of boring-ass civic stuff, including that light rail thing, more park space and straight-up legalized weed. I want Uber and Lyft and Zipcar here in force; I want the racist rednecks clogging the middle part of our fair state to move to the shittiest parts of Arizona and Florida; I want single-fucking-stream recycling in my neighborhood and a ban on plastic shopping bags. But I’d also love for Las Vegas to get some frivolities, too: A burlesque club like New York’s Slipper Room, a craft booze district like Portland’s Distillery Row, and a costumed super villain like Seattle’s Rex Velvet. Failing all that, I’ll settle for a bottle of Gran Classico, a movie version of Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky’s excellent comic Sex Criminals, starring Krysten Ritter, and the immediate and irrevocable death of Facebook—which would, of course, include the public shaming of everyone who’s ever made money from it.– Geoff Carter

➜ What I want cannot be manufactured or purchased. It’s simply a tender father-son moment, when I walk downstairs on Christmas morning and say, “Merry Christmas, Dad!” And Steve Wynn replies, “Merry Christmas, son!”– Matt Jacob