That dude who never heard of a razor, dresses in red-and-white PJs and visits too many hotel buffets is called St. Nick.
Me? More like St. Prick—at least to some Vegas entertainers. Still, my withered ticker turns to mush—or in my case, gruel—at holiday time, so here’s what your faithful Strip-schlepper left under the neon tree this year for …
Murray Sawchuck: You’re moving into Planet Hollywood, so how about a new look? Inside this box, please find a hairbrush that won’t flee in terror.
Bill Cosby: Sorry, I can’t lobby to bring you back to Treasure Island. But this certificate entitles the bearer to an exemption from the ultimate humiliation: having your situation barely fictionalized on an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
50 Shades! The Parody (opening Feb. 3 at Bally’s, based on Fifty Shades of Grey): S&M/B&D joins T&A on the Vegas Strip. So, inside this box, find … absolutely nothing for Christmas. Suffering, are you? Glad I could put a (ooooooh-aaaaaaaaaw) smile on your face.
Britney Spears: Enclosed, please find a newly passed law that makes lip-synching a felony. Forgive the mixed metaphor, but some people need to be tossed into the deep end of the pool before it becomes a matter of sink or sing.
The Duck Commander Family Musical (opening in early 2015 at the Rio, based on TV show Duck Dynasty, which gave America Phil Robertson, the world’s foremost homosexuality/bestiality scholar): Open that rainbow-colored box and out pops … a big gay audience at every performance.
The cast of Zombie Burlesque: Here’s your written invitation to make a guest appearance at The Duck Commander Family Musical to sing your hit song, “Eating Penis Doesn’t Make You Gay.”
Pia Zadora: So you won’t get hurt again being thrown from a golf cart, please look outside. … Yes, it’s your brand-new, 2015 golf tank!
Steve Wynn’s ShowStoppers: A new production with almost exactly the same title as this column, which predated it by nearly three years? For your gift, please see the nearest process server.
Jeff Dunham: In the best news in years for our fight to weaken terrorism, please find enclosed the paperwork for the promotion of Achmed the Dead Terrorist to leader of the Taliban.
Veteran rockers of Raiding the Rock Vault: There’s a delivery guy outside. He wants to know where to load my gift—a year’s supply of Metamucil and magnums of prune juice.
Men the Experience: Use the enclosed permission slip to create a more daring companion show: Women the Interactive Experience.
Readers who can’t stand me: The line forms on the left for your kiss on the lips.
Readers who like me: The line forms on the right to get my autograph on a blank check from my meager account.
Cirque du Soleil: You don’t need fancy gifts, so accept this simple greeting card wishing every performer in every Cirque production a safe—and therefore very happy—new year.
While I’m at it, the same to each and every one of you.
Got an entertainment tip? Email Steve.Bornfeld@VegasSeven.com.