Same S#!@, Different Year

2015 kicks off with a Cyrus/Schwarzenegger pairing, even more Tiësto and Drake being Drake—somebody stop the madness

Illustration by Jon Estrada

Illustration by Jon Estrada

It’s so tempting to assume that when the calendar flips over, the slate is wiped clean; that 2015 will be a distinct and novel experience of place-in-time, and not, say, another beige plod around the outer edge of a carousel parked inside the world’s fluorescent-lightin’est, volume-cranked-up-to-fourin’est, Counting Crowsin’est Restoration Hardware.

And then you realize we’re spending the next year dealing with a second generation of Schwarzeneggers and Cyruses, and you remember why we really drink on New Year’s Eve.

Patrick Schwarzenegger and Miley Cyrus, the world’s most improbable couple barring a Katy Perry-Russell Brand reunion, had dinner at Strip House on New Year’s Eve with Arnold Schwarzenegger and his girlfriend, Heather Milligan … who’s 39, making her closer in age to the 22-year-old Cyrus than the 67-year-old who’s somehow still playing the Terminator despite the fact that cyborgs shouldn’t age. (Screw it, if you’ve got a Terminator movie and Arnold’s still kicking, then that’s what you’re going to get.)

After dinner, they all went to see Britney: Piece of Me. Meaning the T-1000 was unsuccessful in its mission of going back in time to cancel Hannah Montana and stop this grim, post-apocalyptic future we all live in from ever coming to be.

Continuing in this time-is-a-flat-circle, thanks-for-nothing-McConaughey vein, Tiësto, who feels like he’s been headlining in Vegas since the day after Dean Martin played his last show at the Sands, is stretching his Club Life/Republic of Tiësto residencies at Hakkasan and Wet Republic, respectively, for another “multiyear” run. Look for Tiësto to be featured among the other great Vegas songbook classics of RoboSteve Wynn’s ShowStopper 2038. (RoboSteve Wynn will fight MechaSheldon Adelson in the summer blockbuster of ’42.)

Lady Gaga determined sometime ago that her future would be in mining the past, and spent her New Year’s Eve onstage with Tony Bennett doing nothing but jazz standards at the Cosmopolitan’s Chelsea. At midnight, she kissed boyfriend Taylor Kinney to the delight of the crowd and the continued general confusion of all the grandmas in the audience who were just happy to learn Bennett was still alive.

Meanwhile, over at Marquee, Drake rang in 2015 doing Drake things—crying, probably. Fighting Diddy, possibly. But he stuck around through the weekend, doing dinner at Lavo with a group of 20 on January 2. Reports of Drake still crashing on your couch even though he said he’d totally be out of there by Sunday are as yet unconfirmed.

XS didn’t go for a wholesale reinvention in the new year, but it did unload a ton of money in lights for a little club refresh. Well, a ton of money to normal people. For a club budget, it spent the equivalent of half of Memorial Day Weekend, dropping $10 million on a production overhaul. Among the upgrades: pyro on the pool deck, a revamped DJ booth with 14,000 LED lights, crowd-scanning lasers (though those could be from Arnold’s Terminator gun) and “a double kabuki drop in front of the DJ booth featuring projection-mapped, state-of-the-art video content.” Whatever the hell that means. Pretty sure the “Double Kabuki Drop” was Yokozuna’s finishing move in SummerSlam ’94.

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