Recapping a Week in Which Love Affairs Fizzle

Everything from the celebrity couple to an NFL player and his cash

Illustration by Jon Estrada

Illustration by Jon Estrada

Sure, there were Christmas decorations in the stores two weeks before Halloween. And sure, there were Valentine’s decorations in the stores the day after Christmas. So it’s easy to see how people can get confused by the seasons. But karma has a way of settling those accounts, because it’s not so much love that’s in the air as it’s been a Shakespearian week of unrequited, unfulfilled romance.

Like, for example, between Katy Perry and Diplo. The future Super Bowl halftime singer/living Strawberry Shortcake character was supposed to be in a smoldering, publicly unacknowledged romance with the DJ for months now. But rumors have Perry back together with guy-with-the-guitar-in-the-quad-somehow-convincing-sophomores-he’s-sensitive John Mayer. Diplo will have to console himself with the legions of girls throwing themselves at him on Instagram at any given minute.

Celine Dion’s stormy affair with the Colosseum is still on hold. TMZ says Dion won’t return to Caesars until the end of the year, but that she hasn’t yet given a date. Which frees up a lot of dates for Mariah Carey and/or Jennifer Lopez to fill. Carey has already had her run through residency rumors recently; now J-Lo is in the replacement Celine seat, after reportedly pulling in more than $400,000 for her New Year’s Eve show. Apparently, the Colosseum just plans to turn over its stage to any lady who had a way-more-popular singing career 10 to 20 years ago. You hear that, Ariana Grande? Just hang on a few more years and you’ll get your turn at the Diva Retirement Ranch.

Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones’ long, loving relationship with his $12.4 million is drawing to a close, too. Jones had been ordered in 2012 to pay damages to Tommy Urbanski and Aaron Cudworth for his role in the 2007 shooting at the Minxx strip club that left Urbanski in a wheelchair. Jones was accused of inciting the melee that ended with Arvin Edwards opening fire. He appealed to the Nevada Supreme Court, but the appeal was nixed January 9, and Jones will have to fork over the dough—dough his lawyer says Jones can’t afford to pay. Well sure, not after making it rain at Minxx like that.

MMA fighter Jon “Bones” Jones’ steamy fling with cocaine is coming to a quick close. Jones tested positive on December 4, long before his January 3 fight with Daniel Cormier at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Three days after beating Cormier, Jones announced he was checking into rehab. He’ll get to keep his UFC light heavyweight title, as well as his “Most Terrifying Person to Fight if He Actually Was All Coked Up in the Octagon” title.

Some loves, though, are meant to be. Like Mark Cuban and the sound of his own voice. The Dallas Mavericks owner gave a pep talk to the Marquee staff before their shift started January 5. He was in town for CES, because with his tech background, he was scouring the floor for innovative ways to harangue NBA referees. Even more profound, though? Paris Hilton’s love for ridiculous dogs. She spent $25,000 on a teacup Pomeranian for her mother.

Page Six goes so far to suggest she’s thinking about getting the dog its own nanny, because you can’t put a price on making a string of increasingly absurd decisions. She’s the Samuel Beckett of the wealthy.

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