If Dave Chappelle was ever going to stage his Player Haters’ Ball for real, last week in Vegas would’ve been the time and place to do it. You had all the ingredients: a Yankee icon, a representative of the Palin clan and Floyd Mayweather’s hood ornament/particularly polarizing gerbil Justin Bieber.
The Biebs spent March 14 in Los Angeles filming his Comedy Central Roast (to air March 30), then hopped in a private jet for his 21st birthday party at Omnia. When he got there, he dressed like a millennial Sgt. Pepper and danced like every black comedian’s impression of a white guy dancing. We don’t know who should be more embarrassed here: Comics who missed easy roast material by mere hours? Paul McCartney? White people? Canadians? Actually, yeah. It’s probably Canadians.
His celebratory cake was a replica of his birthday gift: a ’65 Lincoln Continental. (The Haters Ball thing is really starting to make a lot of sense now, isn’t it?) Joining in the insufferable festivities were Katharine McPhee (once caught on camera making out with a married man), Miguel (leg-dropped a fan at a show) and Kris Jenner (Kris Jenner).
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only Bieber news last week: He attended the Mayweather-Manny Pacquaio press conference March 11 in L.A. and insisted that he wasn’t Mayweather’s sidekick … despite being Mayweather’s sidekick. Yet it was left to Richard Sturm, MGM’s president of entertainment and sports, to steal the show with hair that could best be described as “Phil Spector-esque.”
The bigger news out of that presser, though? Tickets for the May 2 bout at the MGM Grand Garden Arena will start at $1,500 and go up to $7,500. Assuming you’ll have the opportunity to buy the handful of tickets that will be released to the public. Which you probably won’t.
Meanwhile, for a more thoroughly American experience, we can turn to the March 13 Rascal Flatts show at The Joint, where Dakota Meyer proposed to Bristol Palin, in a match made in stupid-name heaven. Rascal Flatts’ Gary LeVox brought Meyer onto the stage and played “Bless the Broken Road,” pausing to announce to the crowd that Meyer, a Medal of Honor-earning Marine, popped the question, and Palin said yes. The man served this country with valor, and this is how we repay him? Shameful.
Speaking of American heroes, Derek Jeter took over for Michael Jordan at the annual celebrity golf invitational at Shadow Creek. The charity tournament now benefits Jeter’s Turn 2 Foundation, which helps steer kids from drugs and alcohol. Except for the children of Red Sox fans. There’s no saving those degenerates.
Joining Jeter on the links were Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Jason Taylor, Brandi Chastain, Rob Riggle, Russell Wilson and Ken Griffey Jr. Not a bad lineup—although we can’t believe Griffey was allowed in after he knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs in 1995, in full view of a young Jeter, who was in the dugout but not on the postseason roster. Have some pride, Derek.