Preparedness: Earthquakes vs. Zombies

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

Illustration by Cierra Pedro

We hear a lot about “disaster preparedness.” There are government reports, websites, classes and kits, all designed to get you ready for fire, flood, tornado and whatever else Mother Nature flings our way. Yet the scenario people seem most fixated upon—the one with best-selling books, blockbuster movies, highly rated TV shows and specialty stores devoted to it—is one that seems most unlikely: a zombie apocalypse. But perhaps it’s simply more fun to fantasize about mowing down the undead with an AK-47 than it is to think about how many cans of soup your family needs to last a week with no electricity. Just in case, we’re here to prep you for both.

Earthquakes Zombies
Number of incidents reported so far in 2015 46 0
Number of deaths caused so far in 2015 More than 9,000 0
Number of movies about it released in 2015 1 30+
Best place to be when this shit goes down If indoors, under a table with your arms over your head. If outdoors, in a clear area, away from buildings, trees and power lines. If indoors, barricade all doors and windows—go to a higher floor and rip out the stairs if you can. If outdoors, flee heavily populated areas and head for the hills.
Useful supplies Radio and flashlight with batteries, bottled water, canned food, first-aid kit. Guns, ammo, ax, flame thrower, samurai sword, motorcycle.
People you want to have on your post-disaster team Police officer, doctor, nurse, firefighter, engineer, electrician, construction worker. Police officer, boy scout, former mercenary, serial killer, anyone with a chainsaw for a hand or a machine gun for a leg.
Enemies to anticipate Aftershocks, explosions, collapsing buildings, fire, falling objects, gas leaks. Legions of ravenous, once-human monsters out to devour your flesh; a few still-human survivors out to steal your shotgun shells and your womenfolk.