Star Wars: The Spoilers Awaken


I’m ready to talk Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Fair warning: This column will have more spoilers than Spoily McSpoilerson from AvertYourEyesville. If you haven’t yet seen The Force Awakens: 1. What the fuck? 2. Step away from the screen/magazine/shoulder you’re reading over. 3. Did I say spoilers? Spoilers, dammit! Go see The Force Awakens, already!

(Good. They’re gone. Now we can talk about their bad hairstyles and poor life choices.)

I saw The Force Awakens! I loved it! Sure, it hurt. It had to. But I really, really loved it. And in the weeks following, with many more viewings under my belt, I’ve happily taken on the role of Plot Hole Filler among my skeptical friends. I’d like to share some of my debunking with you.

First, first talk about Rey. She’s a revelation! If you’d all kindly hush your mouths with this “her character’s a Mary Sue” nonsense? Yes, she’s very good at things. She’s also spent a lot of time alone on a desert planet. What else is she going to do but perfect her fighting, piloting and mechanical skills? She doesn’t have Facebook to distract her.

The comparisons to Luke’s learning curve are pointless. She’s a different person. Maybe she’s just stronger with the Force. Guess what? She’s allowed to be. And those who question her skill with a lightsaber can shush, too. She proved her fighting ability early on. Transferable skills, y’all.

Rey’s lineage is a sticky point. I’m so adamant that I don’t want her to be Luke’s child that I’m seeing other, probably not so plausible, theories everywhere. I think maybe I’m just butt-hurt that Mara Jade hasn’t made it from the Expanded Universe to the movies and I don’t like the idea of Luke procreating with anyone else.

Now, about the fight between Finn and Ren. I’ve heard complaints that this First Order janitor held his own too long in a fight with a Sith. I’d like to remind everyone of the instability of Kylo Ren. You can see it in his crackly lightsaber. He can’t control himself long enough to keep from destroying his own ship. The Force is strong with this one, sure, but he has no discipline. (See also his emo twitter account, @KyloR3n. Check it out for the lulz.) He’d also been shot with a Bowcaster. He’s not exactly in top fighting condition.

And let’s address “the lack of chemistry between Han and Leia.” Are you kidding me? We are watching two people who have been through the worst. They lost their son. One of them knows he’ll need to sacrifice himself to reunite the family, but chooses to do it anyway. And yet their eyes still sparkle with sexy promise any time they look at each other. “It wasn’t all bad between us?” What else do you think they’re talking about?

Finally, Han. Oh, Han. There goes the love of all our lives. And there’s no better way for it to have gone down. Still, I don’t think I’ll be getting over that loss any time soon. The world changed the moment Han shouted “Ben.”

There’s so much more I could say. For now, let’s just say Star Wars is back. It’s exciting. And how’s about Lucasfilm and Disney remake the prequels? Pretty please?

I’m off into my Star Wars-y world now. There are more folks to debate, and a world of Tumblr art featuring three-way loving between Finn, Rey and Poe. Oh, and I’ve a Sphero BB-8 and a Chewie Furby from Santa that I’m just dying to spend more time with.

I’ll leave you with this stream-crossing moment of squee: the cantina music of The Force Awakens was composed by Lin-Manuel Miranda, whose musical Hamilton I celebrated in my last column. Sometimes the galaxy conspires to make me chest-swellingly happy.

See Charlie Starling in Absinthe, twice nightly in the Spiegeltent at Caesars Palace, 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Wed.-Sun. Visit for tickets.