What makes the Super Bowl so special? I hate to tell you: It’s not really the game. It’s the parties. If you’re a fan of the sport, a Super Bowl party is like Christmas, New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day all rolled into one. And even if you find football about as appealing as Donald Trump in a Speedo, there’s still the commercials, the camaraderie and the nachos. But one’s good manners can sometimes slip in the fever of touchdowns and tequila. Here, a few tips to make sure your game is solid enough to be invited back for LI.
- Practice your touchdown dance. Nobody wants to see you poke yourself in the eye as you attempt the Dab Daddy.
- Bring pigs in a blanket. Everyone loves tiny hot dogs!
- Stop talking when the Kia commercial comes on. Nothing you say can possibly beat Christopher Walken explaining the “Walken closet.”
- Download Marvin Gaye’s slow-jam rendition of the national anthem beforehand. Even if Whitney Houston resurrects on the 50-yard line, no one’s going to beat his version.
- Creedbomb. Sneak up on a buddy and holler: “I see your soul, it’s kinda gray! You see my heart, you look away!” or the melodramatic Scott Stapp lyric of your choice. Hey, the Panthers do it and look where they are now!
- Be aware that Über surge pricing begins as soon as the Vince Lombardi Trophy is presented.
- Arrive with two Bud tallboys but drink the six-pack of Alchemist Focal Banger your host hand-carried from Vermont.
- Cry about your ex when Coldplay plays “Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall.”
- Talk about how much you are betting/winning/losing. Save it for the guys at the sportsbook.
- Fret about carbs, cheese, meat, fried food or your diet. There is no ”eating clean” on Super Bowl Day. You will eat dirty, dirty, dirty, and you will like it.
- Keep singing the Nationwide jingle. It’s annoying enough when Peyton Manning does it and even more annoying when you do.
- Be a Bundy: Bring snacks, don’t break shit and leave when your host asks you to.