advertisement
Our ace investigative nightlife reporter, Jason Scavone, obtained a copy of this year’s list of banned items and habits before its official release:
- NO Illegal Substances
- NO Drugs or Drug Paraphernalia
- Not Even Any Breaking Bad DVDs
- NO Pets
- NO Strays You’re Trying to Get Your Mom to Let You Keep
- NO Giraffes
- Especially NO Pet Giraffes
- NO Massagers
- NO “Massagers,” Ladies. We’re Totally on to You
- NO Laser Pointers
- NO LED Gloves or LED Microlights Used for Light Shows
- NO Death Rays
- NO Pacifiers or Dust Masks
- NO Bibs
- NO Onesies
- NO Adult Diapers
- Please, Could We Just Agree You Don’t Dress Like a Giant Baby?
- NO Eyedrops (available inside festival at the General Store)
- NO Glass, Cans, Cups or Coolers
- NO Brown M&Ms
- NO Markers, Pens or Spray Paint
- NO Photocopy Equipment, Fax Machines, White-Out, Staple Removers or OfficeMax fliers
- NO Large Chains or Spiked Jewelry
- NO Stickers, Fliers, Banners or Posters
- NO Balloons, Balls, Inflatable Balls (Which Is Kind of Covered Under ‘Balls’ Already But Whatever) or Frisbees
- NO Tents, Large Umbrellas, Chairs or Blankets
- NO Other Patio Furniture
- No Furniture of Any Kind (*)
- NO Backpacks Over 12”x12”
- NO Jetpacks—any size
- NO Bota Bags
- NO Large Purses or Bags
- NO Pretty Much Anything Over 12” x 12”
- NO Trash Bags
- NO Madame Trash Heap
- NO Stuffed Animals or Dolls (Including Plush Backpacks)
- NOT Even Mr. Pumpernickel, Your Bestest Stuffed Friend From Kindergarten
- NO Open Packs of Cigarettes or Unsealed Tampons (Upon Entry)
- NO Outside Food or Beverages (Including Alcohol and Candy)
- NO Open Packs of Candy Cigarettes
- NO Weapons of Any Kind (Includes Pocket Knives, Pepper Spray, Fireworks, etc.)
- NO Pointing Out That Fireworks Aren’t a Weapon
- NO Professional Recording Equipment—Photo, Video or Audio (No Detachable Lenses, Tripods, Big Zooms or Commercial-Use Rigs)
- NO Hobbyist Recording Equipment—Four Track Soundboards, VHS Camcorders or Microcassette Recorders
- NO Video Cameras
- NO Eye Contact
- NO Speaking Unless Spoken To
- NO Pudding If You Don’t Eat Your Meat
(*) Unless you are Le Corbusier with glow sticks.
