Compiled by @marseniuk
@iMIKEMARZ Behind every great man, there’s a woman rollin’ her eyes ...
@sdunn360 Best stripper name so far tonight: Sexican. It’s early, though, so stay tuned.
@TheKarla “My life is a movie and yours is just Tivo.” ha ha!
@Armstrongbeats Tweet me how to Dougie!!!
@thesulk “I’m gonna start doing more impressions on here.” tHiS iS mY sTePhEn hAwKiNg iMpReSsIon.
@jaymohr37 My son takes all his clothes off to poop. Cute at home, but funnier at the food court in the mall.
@cooperhefner I still have yet to beat Donkey Kong in the Game Room at my dad’s, but when I do I promise you will all know.
@FATJEW Anybody notice that the word bed looks like a bed?! (Who says smoking weed on a Thursday afternoon isn’t productive?)
@Dolly_Parton: I hope people realize that there is a brain underneath the hair and a heart underneath the boobs.
@CodiC WTF was I thinking, booking a 6 a.m. flight out of Vegas?!
@kanyewest I wrote a song for Taylor Swift that’s so beautiful and I want her to have it. If she won’t take it then I’ll perform it for her.
@DearAnyone More holidays with rabbits, please.
@WayneCrane Note To Self: Don’t EVER date a famous socialite!!!