We can’t believe we’re really doing this again, but it was another weekend, another influx of Jersey Shore stars. At this point we’re getting concerned that if you get bit by JWoww, you may actually wind up on the show and the only way to stop your soulless, inhuman, murderous shambling unholy existence between life and death would be with a cricket bat, or Batman album, or whatever else they used in Shaun of the Dead.
It’s the only logical explanation for what seems to be an exponentially inflating influx of Jerz casters to Las Vegas. Last week it was Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio. This week, it was Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Ronnie “Shaved Ape” Ortiz-Magro.
Snooki made it an all-day affair Aug. 20 when she kicked off the afternoon at Wet Republic along with current boyfriend and source of Situation-induced point of conflict on the show, Jionni LaValle. Yes, in case you were wondering, we do hate ourselves for knowing this. Following Jersey Shore has gone from sniggering, watching-it-for-the-trainwreck viewing to legitimate shame-maker that we have to keep up with because these people keep coming to Vegas. We hope you’re happy.
Snooki and LaValle—do Scooter and Lavelle know about this, and can they put a stop to it?—hung out in their cabana with Holly Madison during the day, then went across the street to LAX in the evening. While there, Snooks had the audacity to get our hopes up.
“Jionni and I are very happy, we might even have to get married in Vegas. Just kidding,” she said.
Oh, how could you tease us with the idea of a stroll down the aisle between you and that guy we’ve barely heard of, Snooki? It’s like you’re just toying with our emotions here. We’re going to have to sit in a dark room with Love Actually on loop until we once again feel like the universe is a fundamentally good place where true love is both inevitable and unshakable.
Meanwhile, Ronnie was at Rehab on Aug. 21, finally giving the lumbering man-child an excuse to go shirtless in public. He wasn’t with Sammi Giancola, which we’re taking optimistically to mean that their on again-off again-on again(ish)-off again-on again (but with a lot of cheating) relationship’s latest rejuvenation doesn’t make it out of the end of this season. Or that Ronnie pushed her off a cliff somewhere in the Tuscan hills. Either way.